We need more monkeys!

laura: when I create a superheroine, she will have a hinto of tragedy in her origin, her purpose will be easily described in a sentence, and she will have a logo.
me: vaccination gal. by day she's a registered nurse. by night, she cuts down criminals with her deadly syringe throwing skills. that logo will be real easy to create.
laura: Do not make fun of my plans. I seriously want to create a superheroine.
me: her ally could be Trojan Man. Her enemy could be Dr. Germ. And then we could have They Might Be Giants re-record their song Dr. Worm to Dr. Germ.
laura: I'm ignoring you now
me: in fact, forget vaccination gal. now i want to write a show about a failed villain called Dr. Germ. He always has problems with overheating and accidentally sterilizing his attempts at mass-murder. "There's no salmonella in here! This is just... water!"... "Curses! Boiled again!" I like the thought of someone sipping a cup that's supposed to be full of salmonella and being like: "Hey... there's no salmonella in here! What gives?"
laura: I bought a Lex Luthor JLU action figure and one of his legs is shorter than the other
me: Maybe it's just that one of his feet is smaller than the other, or perhaps he has hip displasia. You really shouldn't discriminate against the handicapped. I mean, whenever toys have defects I think of the events of Toy Story. "Perhaps that doll needs extra special love, because of its... 'difficulties' ...with display cases." What I'm saying here is that you should probably take a shower with the Lex doll because on the off chance he's actually alive with magic, he'd appreciate the nudity. Being handicapped I bet the other JLU villainness dolls don't like him much.
laura: are you drunk, or just extra crazy tonight?
me: a little from column a, a little from column b.

I like oranges

me: i love how, to people your age, you appear to be the funniest mom of all time, but of course to a child you are probably horrifying
Piehole: hahaha! yes. yes i am.
me: i mean, if my mom had ever threatened to do the cabbage patch at an orchestra concert, i'd die
Piehole: i aim for petrifying him.
me: just proof: kids make you uncool
Piehole: no kidding!
me: also, do you know how good oranges are? i bought some oranges last week cuz they were on sale and looked nice and orange, and i've been going back like every other day to get more oranges. i can't stop eating oranges.
Piehole: im eating those damned satsuma tangerines like crazy! maybe theres a global vitamin c shortage.
me: last night dan was like "give me a slice of one of those oranges you're eating" and i did and he was like "DAMN! ORANGES TASTE GOOD! I FORGOT!" and then he ate the rest of the oranges we had in the house. the end.

The new website is launched. It only took us six months.

“You can’t fuck the future, sir. The future fucks you.”
— Commissioner Hugo Jarry,...

Artoo Translator

Gail Simone Likes My Podcast

me: I think my heart almost just exploded. The really sad thing here is that I could run out into the newsroom right now and scream GAIL SIMONE LOVES ME AND MY FRIENDS and no one would have any idea what the fuck I'm talking about.
Laura: I wish I knew people I could share this with that would actually appreciate it.
me: I just put it in to perspective for Dan. I was like "You don't understand. This is huge. This is like Jesus saying -- 'That guy's a way better Christian than anyone else'" and Dan was like "You mean, if Stephen Malkmus said my band was good?" and I was like "No, it's like Malkmus hearing one track off your album and declaring you the definition of rock music."

The Superhero Baxter

me: What is this "Superman has a kid" shit? Also, did no one else find it creepy that Superman was basically stalking Lois? Hey, dude, she moved on. Supereavesdropping on her family is just fucking weird. Weirdo.
scout: I don't think he was really stalking her. He checked in on her one time. The thing about the movie Superman is that he's so powerful. He's like a god, so it's not like he can't hear any conversation Lois has anyway. OK, he's a weirdo, but he's a really adorable weirdo. You know what? I'm just a big apologist for this movie because there is so much negative reaction to it.
me: Well, I liked the movie, just that one thing stuck out. It was pretty to look at, though. I still really love Bryan Singer, despite his twink habits.
scout: If he wasn't gay, he might not be so good at picking the pretty and then we wouldn't have had a movie with Brandon Routh and James Marsden. X-Men 3 should have been Cyclops and Jean Grey's movie. Instead they fucking killed him. I am still angry.
me: I can't be the only one who is feeling bad for James Marsden continually being cast as the Superhero Baxter. He's always getting dumped in superhero love triangles.
scout: James Marsden did not get dumped in the X-Men movies.
me: You're right, James didn't get dumped. His character was just murdered by his schizo wife so she could fuck a wolfman with knives for hands. That's way more of a burn than getting jilted at the altar. "You know, Cyclops, your kisses are dreamy, but when we embrace, I want the excitement of knowing you could possibly slice me in half. Also cigar breath is awesome"

Wonderella

Girls With Slingshots

We’ll always have Pac-Man’s skeleton.

Clean House, Clean Heart

"So, are your friends coming in the house when they pick you up?"
"Probably."
"Then we have to clean the house!"
"I mean, no. They're not coming in."
"They're really not coming in, or you're just saying that so we don't have to clean the house?"
"Maybe the latter."
"Shut up and start sweeping."

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
— W.C. Fields

My Neighbours Are Hoors